Monday, January 16, 2012

My reality

So, I usually use this forum to gush about how cute and brilliant my kid is, but today, I have to get for real.

I didn't know how ABSOLUTELY contrived a lot of the things I write for facebook and this blog are until recently. I mean, yeah, I do think my kid is a freaking genius and pageant beautiful, but I'm definitely writing for an audience (all three of you, yes, I know). Writing with this thought in my mind: "Someone I know is reading this, I have to sound like my life is decent, that I'm healthy, that I'm witty (well, you know, as much as possible), that I HAVE IT ALL TOGETHER. 

Yeah. I don't.

This past week, I fell so hard. All it takes for me to fall: a series of tiny, bad choices strung together.

I don't want to shame the people closest to me by going into public graphic detail (even though I had to do just that on a personal level), but I do want to admit this. I want to be real and say, 'MAN. I completely messed up.'

What led up to this series of bad choices that turned out to be not-so-tiny? I'm completely depressed. 

IT SOUNDS SO UNGRATEFUL, but becoming a stay-at-home mom has been so hard for me. Every day seems like a cycle of endless tasks. I kept coming to this realization: this is really it. This is my life. I didn't even take a shower today. On top of this eternal inner dialogue, I have been sad about other family things and I stopped nursing Daphne (which could totally be a physiological reason for this all coming to a head), and it all just took its toll recently.

As a Christian, I felt like I couldn't admit this on a completely honest basis. I've definitely laughed to my friends and admitted that this transition has been hard, but I haven't even been completely honest with myself about how utterly defeated I feel daily. I'm supposed to be investing in my relationship with Christ, because ultimately, He is the ONLY thing that will fulfill me. But, I haven't been. I made a decision to 'feel better' instead of being better.
Starting back at the beginning with Jesus. How many times have I been here? When will I get this right?

A friend texted me last night and asked, "How are you?" I said, "Good," and asked her back. She said, "I'm thinking about cutting, and suicide, and using drugs again. I'm lonely, I'm depressed." 

We had a real conversation then because she was brave enough to be real.

I don't know when I'll be better. I know the only way is through Jesus. I know that I'm abnormally attracted to sin, and that I will struggle with my addictions (all of them) on a minute by minute basis at this point. 

And, I know I want to be real about it.