Saturday, May 21, 2011

Here is the truth

I have friends who are stay at home moms. They seem to love what they do. They seem competent and fulfilled. I'm certain they have bad days and don't always feel appreciated, but for the most part, they appear happy with their role.

The truth for me is hard to admit. 

I don't love my new role. Even just seeing that in print makes me feel guilty. 

I'm supposed to feel blessed that I have this opportunity, but I feel burdened. Taking care of Daphne in our tiny apartment while Jon sleeps makes me frustrated and depressed.

I know that God has designated this for me, and I know that He can make this more fulfilling, but right now I'm challenged to see past my discouragement. 

Praying about this is hard, because I think there is a part of me that is perhaps angry with God for changing my life again. I felt pretty content and satisfied before, so why this? Not every mom should be home, right? Perhaps this mom shouldn't have this role.

But, the truth is, He directed this. I know He did, and I'm going to have to be vigilant about praying for peace with this role and praying for fulfillment. Today, I admit, it's not here yet, but I trust God that He will bring it in time.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

I have been her kind

Dearest Daughter,

As you turn nine months old, I am consistently astonished by the newness of all you do. Yes, I still have to tell you not to chew my flip-flops every single day, but now when I say no, you are aware of exactly my meaning and you get a devilish glint in your eye and continue unabashed.

You shocked your father and me when you pulled yourself up to stand a few weeks ago. I was surprised when you learned so quickly how to wave goodbye. Now, your sweet and sloppy kisses amaze me and your limited verbal vocabulary is pretty impressive, too. You know noses, and mouths, and eyes, and clapping is your favorite. You get so excited when there are other babies nearby that you scream in delight, clap, and promptly steal their binkies. You put every thing in your mouth, the strangest of which I don't even want to document because it makes me want to throw up.

I know that by the end of this month, you will be walking. This can't be. You were just born, right?

I was holding you yesterday, when you first woke from a nap and you were still snuggly and needy, and I treasured you. Sometimes, in between the late night feedings and your desire to scream all your demands, I forget how damned precious you are and how unbelievably fast this is going.

Even in my womb, when an ultrasound confirmed that you were female, I knew some of your future. Mean girls will make you feel insecure about your ears or your forehead or your thighs or some other ridiculous thing. You will be obsessed with some boy, the way he expounds about D.H. Lawrence or the way he worships Jesus (hopefully), his inimitable blue eyes, the back of his neck. You will pour your heart out in a glitter notebook, convinced that you are the only one that ever felt exactly the way you do. You will reach out for friends and you will push back on me. And, it will be my job to love you and let you do these things as you become a woman.

And, women have to be strong, love.

I don't know why I'm so contemplative about this. I don't know why this is making me cry right now. Sometimes life isn't about whether you have matching hairbows and socks, but it's about whether you know how to stand up, how to put one foot in front of the other, similar to what you're already learning now.

I want to protect you from the mean girls, from the boy with the blue eyes who may break your heart. But, I can't. All I can do is teach you how to withstand these things, how to fall gracefully, and how to get back up.

Dearest Daughter, I love you immeasurably, and I'm so unprepared to really mother you. My prayer is for both of us, as time screams past us.

Monday, May 16, 2011


is rather elusive, me thinks.

I want there to be a set of instructions. Do A,B, and C, and then, voila, you're content for life.

As I am challenged to view my circumstances with God's eyes, I am confronted with one major flaw in my perspective: Comparison.

It's difficult for me not to get stuck on these things: someone's beautiful new home; someone's beach vacation; someone's awesome wardrobe. SO STUPID, but so true.

However, I notice myself getting much better, especially in the last two weeks. I have stopped wanting more of what I don't have and I have started noticing everything I already have.

1. Beautiful, healthy baby
2. Handsome and wise husband/pretty happy marriage
3. Who needs a number 3?

Each day, Jon and I have to talk about our fears about the financial future and our "plan." Each day we realize, hey, today, we're doing ok. We can't make a plan, per se, because we're really waiting on God to make things clearer. So, our plan is to keep praying, keep loving, and keep waiting.

God has lately impressed on me that I need to re-read the book of Acts, so that's what I've been doing. I think He wants me to see that the disciples had one focus: to spread the love of Jesus. They didn't worry about their circumstances and God, of course, took care of them.

So, that's where I am today. Very grateful for everything we do have and trying my best to love everyone I encounter.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Newest excitement?

Daphne stands!


Well, I hope so anyway. I always want to change - my weight, specifically - but, I find it very challenging to give up yummy food and to also give up being lazy. Both of these things are kinda my favorite, but I really also love looking cute in clothes, so I may have to get some self-discipline going on and work at giving up my two favs here.

So, to motivate myself, I've found some pictures of skinny me and plastered them to my refrigerator. I'm going to also plaster them here, and hopefully continually motivate myself. They are kinda blurry, because they are pictures of pictures, but meh, I don't have a scanner and I don't think anyone past 2003 has one.

Here is the motivational collage.

I know I shouldn't be posting me drinking and smoking, but, hello, can you see my belly shirt? Yeah.

Well, hello waist! I miss you!

This shirt had no back, which means I had no back fat.

Not even that long ago!! Honeymoon 2007. I am 20 lbs. from this weight.

Yeah, I probably won't get this skinny again without the use of some illegal drugs.
So far, these really are motivating me. I keep thinking about food, which I always do, and then I think about the pictures. It's going to take forever to get healthy again, but I really want to change. So, here goes!

Saturday, May 7, 2011


Lately, Jon and I have been hit with a trial by fire, or so we believe. Our debt, which we had with God's blessing gotten under control in the past two years, has once again skyrocketed mostly due to doctor bills from his appendectomy.

Now that I've quit my job, the reality of paying those bills has become nonexistent. Well-meaning people keep telling us to apply for some assistance from the hospital, but what they may not know is that the anesthesiologist, the radiologist, the surgeon and the pathologist are all from different entities and they have a requirement that one applies for a loan. Paying a loan, let alone four loans, is also a fantasy to us.

Bills, bills, bills. Our lives are kind of run around them, and we don't like it. So, we've determined as a family that we're just not going to freak out about them anymore. When Jesus turned two fish and five loaves of bread into enough food to feed 5,000 people, he first asked his disciples, "Where will we get food to feed them?" It was a test. He wanted them to say, "You can provide it," and that's what we're going to say.

We may never move out of our 500 square foot apartment. But, we've committed to love each other and do so respectfully no matter how uncomfortable we are. The Lord has purpose in this, and a lot of people have it a lot worse than we do.

However, I still dream. Today, Daphne has taken a much-prayed for nap, and I've searched the internetz for my dream home. Just for fun. 

First of all? The kitchen.

My current kitchen is about the size of most people's bathrooms. This kitchen is my fantasy kitchen. I adore every detail minus the strange swan.

I have found three different dining rooms that I love equally. I don't know that I can describe my taste other than comfortable and clean. I am not afraid of color, but I like it when it's used sparingly. I like sparse rooms, I think.

I don't love these wicker chairs, but I love everything else here!

I looked at a lot of different living rooms and while I didn't find exactly what I want (in the imaginary future, of course), I did find some that I really like. Our living room needs to be conversation-centered and a great place to read, because we don't have a television (and don't want one). Book shelves are a must, and these pictures don't show any, but imagine them in other parts of the room. :)
At first I thought this room was too busy, but I love the artwork now.

Just feels cozy.
Now, the bedroom is a room that I've often decorated in my mind. Our current bedroom has white walls, a bed, a dresser, and a bedside table featuring a broken lamp and an ugly tablecloth. These bedrooms feel like a place where I could sleep and wake up renewed.

I know, they are both so feminine, but I think Jon would approve. Maybe.

Because this is my future home I'm dreaming of, Daphne will need a little girl's room and not a baby room. So, here is one I love.
I guess she needs a sister, too.
 And, if we're going luxury, which I think we are, here is an amazing fantasy bathroom.
I love this grey!
Now, my absolute favorite room is this:
because we don't currently have one, and hauling clothes and baby is, well, challenging. If I don't get anything above this picture, I really, pretty please, just want this one.

and, the frosting on top room?
They call this an "outdoor room." Sigh. Just gorgeous.

Now, the truth is, I shouldn't be on the internet scoping out (coveting, ahem) other people's nice stuff. I should be arming myself with the Word because we really are going through a tough time. I don't know why I prefer wasting time, but, sometimes, I'm just beat and this is more fun. So, there you have it.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Domestic Goddess

That's what my mom always wrote under Employment on any doctor or school form we had. She was a stay at home mom for years, and she told me that I won't regret one minute of staying home with Daphne.

So far, I haven't found my footing yet. I feel internal pressure to be perfect, because I don't contribute financially and because I don't have the same type of ministry that I did. I feel like my house has to be spotless, my kid has to be brilliant, my meals have to total 1,500 calories and cost $2 per day, I should be reading my Bible for hour intervals interrupted only to fast and pray for two hour intervals. My husband shouldn't have to lift a finger other than to pick up his fork to devour a deliciously prepared four-course meal, and the top of my refrigerator should be pristine.

Reality? My house is messier today than it ever was when I was working (my new boss and I had a tea party), and Daphne hasn't had a bath in a couple days and hasn't picked up any of the Spanish verb conjugations we've been working on (totally kidding there). I did okay on the meals, though, not that great, and instead of reading my Bible and praying? I watched TV while Daphne napped. My husband better help me with Daphne later, otherwise I will probably scream at him until his face melts.


So, hopefully, this gets easier. Maybe some moms aren't cut out to stay home? or maybe I just need some time to get a schedule. A schedule that Daphne will promptly grow out of once it is perfected.

Priorities: Do my best. Read my Bible. Be nice to Jon.

That's easy enough. Right? Right?!

We'll be fine as long as you ignore all that crap on her shirt.