Saturday, April 9, 2011

Perhaps contemplative after all

With two hours left on my 30th birthday, I'm feeling somewhat contemplative, though not as much as I thought I would. This is most certainly a dreaded age for many people, but I feel nothing terrible about reaching this milestone. I thought I would, and I think if God hadn't changed my life in such extraordinary ways, I probably would have been devastated.

At one time, my internal value rested solely on what other people thought of me. I was young, I was beautiful (though, I didn't exactly know that - I knew I was sought after), I was thin.

I was also promiscuous, a closet addict, a heavy drinker, a victim of abuse. I mastered living a double life. I've always known how to present well, and it meant life or death for me to do so.

Or so I thought.

When God reached out to me, when I was 25 years old, I wanted to ignore Him. I wanted to continue to destroy myself under the guise of fun. I wanted to make something of my life without turning to Him, because I knew He would force me to change, and it was terrifying.

God did not let me ignore Him. Thank you, Jesus.

He most certainly did force me to change, a little at a time, and it has been difficult, yes. And, it has been glorious and lovely and sweet. I'm still changing, but I think it's ok, this day, to recognize that the changes I have made, the changes that He wrought in me, have rendered me beautiful. Truly beautiful.

No longer am I very young or very pretty or very thin. But, the transformation that took place in my heart, that broke the chains that held me to darkness, has created light inside of me.

It's Jesus in me that is beautiful.

What a blessing that I, a damaged and broken person, has been renewed. I am a wife in a committed Christian marriage to a man that loves me and will always be loyal to me. I am the mother of a healthy and darling daughter who will grow up so much differently than I did. I am a friend who loves generously and isn't afraid to invest because God has given me such amazing friends. I am a servant of the MOST HIGH GOD, and I will be with Him eternally.

This number, 30, held such a negative connotation to the frivolous and sad girl I once was. But, I am new, and 30 is a reminder to me that I am amazingly blessed.

1 comment:

  1. best. post. ever.
    you, my friend, are a rarity- beautiful both inside and out.
    so glad our Jesus got a hold of your heart and life.
    That is certainly the most beautiful thing of all.